feedeslilas: (caduceus)

 hello friends!

idk who is still here but i am here! and with a lot to share! i was fired! and i was hired by a bad job i hate! so i panicked and decided to move to a brand new city with my brother and find a job there, and oh boy is that a lot! i am overwhelmed but trying to keep my enthusiasm simmering, because a new city means? adventure? i am trying to find out.

i have also...... not read much or seen much or been much, but i feel many months older anyway.

feedeslilas: (p and p)
wow another rough week. i'm back up to the highest possible dosage of my antidepressants and if there isn't a drastic change in the next 2 weeks, it's back on the medication merry-go-round to find something that works better. i've been working on cutting down the amount of alcohol/weed/xanax i consume daily and my psych's reaction was basically "this is not the time for that; as long as you aren't getting shitfaced every night and are functional, continue doing things that make you happy." that is difficult for me. i like Plans and Rules and Long Lists of Potential Solutions... so just sitting around and waiting for pills to work is excruciating. and of course the lingering terror that all my earlier depressive episodes weren't from immaturity or lack of proper medical treatment-- that this really is a lifelong condition that i will always have to struggle to get a handle on.

it's not all been bad though, so here's a list of Good Things:
  • it's friday and tonight i am going to make mushroom tomato sauce and spaghetti.
  • tomorrow i'm seeing das rheingold which i have wanted to see since i was little and would listen to it with my dad on long car trips, with him narrating the action. i have a lot of emotional baggage tied to these silly operas and i am very excited.
  • my mom calls me every single evening to check up on me and ordered me about a million cans of tomatoes and anchovies and la croix and! i am so grateful for her love and consideration. 
  • my friends are so unbelievably kind to me.
  • my cat wakes me up every morning by taking a nap on my chest.
  • i splurged on the fenty beauty foundation and concealer a few weeks ago and it is lifechangingly good. i feel really good about my skin for the first time in a while (goodbye stress induced adult acne). 
  • idk, i am trying so hard to cultivate little pleasures. a highball after work, or walking to laudree for a single chocolate macaron, or playing the sims until i lose feeling in my butt. those are all Good Things even if they are small or the joy from them fades quickly. 
  • i am trying at least.
feedeslilas: (hermione)
 whatsup y’all i have spent the last two weeks in barely contained hysterics so my mom, probably tired of talking me down every two days, gave a real come-to-jesus talk and the resolution is…..

…………..…..cha boy is going to grad school!!!!!

(if they let me in, which is uh, far from assured and if they don’t let me in, i am resigned to needing actual inpatient psychiatric care because it will destroy my sense of self-worth once and for all but we’re not thinking about that possibility rn. my eggs? in one basket.)

so yeah, despite loudly yelling about how i would never go to school again and you couldn’t pay me enough to sit through another circle-jerky discussion about shakespeare, i am heading back.being dragging by my feet is perhaps a dramatic metaphor. compelled? i am compelled to return to school because i have no skills except writing papers no one wants to read. i will study english literature because my mom also gave me a come-to-jesus talk about how it is deeply unfair and exclusionist and awful but i will never make a career in contemporary art. which will take some time to mourn.

i really have no idea WHAT i want to study, besides books, or what i’ll do with said masters degree, but it’s a stopgap so i have time to figure something out. i am tentatively excited. mostly excited to have something to look forward to. we will see.

please send all the good thoughts and prayers because i will need them!!!!!

feedeslilas: (lady bird)
 i'm job-hunting which, frankly, sucks ass. for instance today i couldn't find more than ONE job that i am qualified for, can probably do, and would pay me enough to live on. it's very easy to feel hopeless with those odds! i am very dissatisfied with the general direction of my life right now!

so, in an attempt to quell the sad voices telling me to give up and eat ice cream, here are some good things:
  • my new rose quartz pendant is really helping me!! i've never had such an immediate physical reaction to a crystal but this one is really special.
  • my parents are really understanding about all this and it's nice to know that they're in my corner.
  • my cat is really cute and keeps trying to chew on my toes, which is very cute.
  • i have therapy next week.
  • in three weeks i have a four-day weekend which i thought would be like, a fun vacation with my mom but will probably just be a lot of frantic job-hunting but still! that's time i don't have to be at my desk, which is always a good thing.
  • i have half a bagel for breakfast tomorrow, which will be nice.
  • there's not-very-serious family drama unconnected with me, which is enjoyable to witness. without getting into the details, this particular drama has a distinct 19th century flavor that i am just eating up.
  • uhhhhhhhh............. idk! i'm trying and i have to make progress eventually! i am getting back to what i'm good at, which is ploughing ahead and throwing myself at things until something works. 
feedeslilas: (Default)
 basically i am floundering worse than i have floundered in a long time and it is in despite of all my self-care and obsessive journalling and all the time i have poured in my own mental health and success, which i am very annoyed about! i put in all the right ingredients! why is my brain doing this! 
feedeslilas: (p and p)
 

it’s been a rough few days, so here are some Good Things:

  • this is a little silly but like, i’ve been taking my medication much more consistently
  • my hair looks excellent 
  • i found some jobs i want to apply for
  • sophia's mom found me a really gorgeous black velvet dress that fits me perfectly and was 40 something dollars down from six hundred something
  • gold eyeshadow is a good look
  • sophia is such a good person and i don't deserve her care and consideration, or that of her whole fucking family?? why are these people so kind to me?? her mom pulls aside dresses that she thinks will suit me and we all go out dancing and i am wracking my brain how to show my gratitude 
  • new books! jill harsin came, finally!
  • my mom wants to get dinner on tuesday 
  • therapy coming up soon
  • georgette heyer is a delight and i love my nypl membership
  • my city is beautiful and i can get heineken delivered to my doorstep what a time to be alive
  • i can't believe these cut mums i got two weeks ago are still alive and thriving
  • i'm not the first person to be depressed so like, there's a roadmap and i can see my experiences in people i admire
  • something something better things coming

feedeslilas: (hermione)
good things, out of order:
  • last night i watched death of stalin and it was really, really good 
  • this morning i had pancakes
  • i am slowly but surely moving my books and things to my apartment and it's really nice to have the stuff that make me feel at home 
  • lambrusco
  • my mom offered to drive me back and we listened to wait wait don't tell me and had a really nice time
  • my brother gave me a pack of neapolitan playing cards and i want to learn how to tell fortunes with them
  • i am going to order a pizza and enjoy it and nobody can stop me
feedeslilas: (Taylor Swift 1)
today i:
  • handled a work crisis with as much grace as i could muster and even if i'm not wholly happy with it, it's over and i managed without hyperventilating
  • cried to mary oliver poems and right now i'm still sad about her passing but am also so happy that she lived and shared her beautiful soul with the rest of us and i truly believe that she's in heaven and i hope there are trees and geese there
  • bought lipstick in a weird color that i've always wanted but felt like i couldn't pull off
  • reader, i can pull it off
  • volunteered for the first time in ages and was REALLY good at it and am going to make this a regular thing
  • felt good about doing something i'm passionate about 
  • hung out with new people and (i think) made them like me and wasn't too loud or too quiet (my biggest social faux pas's) and one of the new people hugged me as we left? i feel really good about them and they seem really cool 
  •  
  •  
  • basically i forced myself to Do Things when i am still getting over a bad cold and am getting my period as we speak and it went well! i did the things i'm supposed to do and it paid off
  • on sunday i'm seeing pelleas et melisande 
  • i'm going to start doing yoga in the mornings again until i can do a fucking split
  • waking up early is easier and easier 
  • taylor swift contains more and more of the universe's secrets
  • new york is really beautiful all lit up at night and i feel beautiful in it
feedeslilas: (Default)
here are some new good things:
  • my parents love me even though i like girls and this is so spectacular and miraculous and i will never stop feeling so incredibly lucky and blessed; i will be 99 years old and still smiling about it
  • my mom and i are going on vacation in two months; it's just a weekend trip somewhere but i'm very excited to spend time with her and also spend time not at work
  • i've been really good about doing the dishes lately
  • tomorrow i'm going phonebanking for planned parenthood with some friends which is good; i've been meaning to volunteer more and offset my massive ethical sinkhole of a life
  • idk, i feel gross and stuffed up but i'm in a comfy nightgown and i smell like my new lavender soap and i have chamomile tea so??
  • che sara ykwim
feedeslilas: (Taylor Swift 1)
long story short, my parents fucking knew and they’re fine and i’m out and every so often i remember that and start smiling to myself. everything looks brighter; my mom and dad are really the most important people in my life and worrying over them was such a huge constant anxiety and now i feel so free and stupidly, childishly happy. now i’m at sophia’s and we’re sitting next to each other and silently writing our respective fanfictions and that feels really nice. we played dnd last night. tomorrow is work, and i’m not excited about it but i can manage. so yeah. that’s that. 
feedeslilas: (caduceus)
the next time i post here, i'll be out. i cannot adequately explain how terrifying this is; i have had recurring nightmares about this since i was 12. i am going to be needy and ask for good thoughts and prayers and whatever your spirituality can give me. 

in the meantime, here's a list of things i'm grateful for as i wait out the time in between:

  • five dollar drinks at ruby tuesday’s on 42nd street
  • snow (potentially???) on sunday
  • leg hair
  • seltzer
  • kismet
  • lesbian bars with garish decorations
  • the english book of common prayer
  • irish accents
  •  
  •  
feedeslilas: (Default)
i am having a bad day and instead of leaving work early in a huff or talking 3 xanax or browsing fanfiction on my phone in the bathroom for the next hour, i am going to make a whiney post here and then be done with it so i can go back to being a productive member of society.

i desperately wish i wasn’t as sensitive as i am and i have gotten better about that, but not good enough, and i just really wish other people didn’t have so much power over my emotions. i wish i didn’t immediately see betrayal and aggression in what is usually forgetfulness and apathy. i wish i put more effort into building friendships so that i wasn’t so reliant on my like... 3~ people. i wish i could act my age. i wish i was braver and more exciting and made people want to be around me. i wish i wasn’t out of weed. 

there its done the end back to your regularly scheduled programming 
feedeslilas: (hermione)
my clue app says i'm ovulating and while it is rarely accurate, i am inclined to agree with it this time. i hope you're all excited about having such unprecedented access to the ins and outs of my hormonal cycle. i am very emotional in a simple, stupid sort of way. the soundtrack to the new mary poppins movie makes me teary. my horoscope on the cut made me teary. i can't sleep. i am operating at a much higher frequency than usual and it's a little jarring. 

but i had a really good cheddar and jalapeno scone for breakfast and i'm wearing one of my favorite dresses and i look very cute. i'm going to see the favourite with sophia and her mom this week. i am suddenly very interested in revising a short story i wore ages ago. i am going to splurge and go to the opera this week because i deserve nice things. i REALLY want to clean my room and make big pots of bolognese sauce. i really want to get all dolled up and go dancing. 

i want to say this is all me me me finally pulling myself together but it's probably a mix of 1) aforementioned higher med dosages continuing to do their magic and 2) sun & moon in capricorn and venus in sagittarius like? not to be dramatic but i could feel it when venus entered sagittarius within an hour. 

fingers crossed i can hold onto this energy and channel it into productivity.




feedeslilas: (Default)
 i finally finished chapter two of my fic where enjolras has to crossdress and be a servant so uh, check that out!
feedeslilas: (caduceus)
 anybody else a little stressed and depressed? just me? let's a have a Good Things list.
  • i cut my hair and uh, i'm slightly panicked about the results but this does mean that it won't get matted and knotted constantly and comfort before fashion, etc. etc. 
  • i have a hedgehog lamp and it's cute and makes me happy
  • i have an amazon giftcard i got ages ago and forgot about and i'm going to use some of it for Grown Up Household Things like cat litter and some for dumb me things, like crystals and books
  • my crystals feel all charged up and ready to go after the full moon last night which is good because oh boy will i need them this week!!
  • i have 3/4 a bottle of nice french red wine to consume at my leisure
  • i'm going to PARIS babey!!!!!!!!!! in a year and a few months but!!! paris!!!!
  •  
  •  
  •  
  • i could be dead in a ditch somewhere but i am here, and i have A Support System and people who care about me and i am going to get through this
  • i have been through painful things before and i can get through this
  • new moon in capricorn 
  • i've lit lots of tea lights all around my windowsill and i am making this work



feedeslilas: (Default)
i am groggy and my attention span is shot because (drumroll please) i went dancing last night. i go out (meaning to clubs and not just the bar down the street) about once every three months and it’s always a Production but last night sophia’s mom was like, let’s do it, and even though my make up was shit and i was in work clothes, i went and had fun and drank Just Too Much which yes i am feeling rn and am regretting a bit. 

but! i went out and didn’t care what i looked like and flirted with some guy with a hookah to get him to let me try it and he rejected me and i handled it fine. i got home at 3 am and got up for work late but like, regular late because when am i ever on time? and yes my hair is filthy and im exhausted and there are dishes in the sink that i really should have dealt with, but also im happy with myself. more dancing in 2019, more goofy thursday nights, more laughing, more being young and unafraid, etc etc. 
feedeslilas: (Default)
 hello it's almost 6 am and i can't fall back asleep and my throat hurts so here's a Good Things list:
  • i had a wonderful new years eve/new years!
  • the opera was lovely, like probably not my favorite production but i cried so, clearly very good and my brother and i hung out on the grand tier during intermission and people watched everyone who can afford orchestra seats in their tuxedos and furs, and it was just lovely
  • then i went to sophia's where her mom had gotten the three of us matching flannel nightgowns which are SO COZY and we drank lambrusco and watched les mis and derry girls
  • we actually missed the countdown like we were watching tv and then everyone started screaming outside and we were like... guess it's new years
  • ended up talking until like 4:30 about life and then passed out until 11 when the baby wanted cinnamon buns which were very good
  • this is almost identical to my 2018 new years eve which also included the opera, sophia's, red wine, and andrew davies miniseries so it's good to know we're predictable
  • i bought some stationary because i owe like 3 people letters and i'm excited to get started
  • this evening i have therapy which is... needed, and i'm very excited for it
  • idk!!! it's a year!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
feedeslilas: (Default)
  •  read 50 books, as usual
  • finish proust and powell 
  • write 100k words of fiction— doesn't have to be of one thing, but god knows i need the practice
  • get something published somewhere— doesn't have to be anywhere fancy, but i have to start my ~career~
  • find a new job that pays better and doesn't make me depressed
  • come out fully and truly :)
feedeslilas: (Default)

holy ground
 exTonight I’m gonna dance for all that we’ve been through
But I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you
Tonight I’m gonna dance like you were in this room
But I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you

 
delicate
ex. Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)

state of grace
ex. So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
We learn to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild


 
 ours
ex. Seems like there's always
Someone who disapproves,
They'll judge it like they know about me and you,
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
The jury's out,
And my choice is you.
dress
ex. Say my name and everything just stops
I don’t want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off (ha, ha, ha)
Carve your name into my bedpost
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off (ha, ha, ha, ha)
 
 
feedeslilas: (lady bird)
well, of everything i wanted to accomplish i uh... did the work i needed to do and cried a bit because it is Very Stressful and i am useless under any sort of pressure. i also showered and changed into clean clothing! so i'm choosing to view today as a success. i have all weekend to do chores and i am Working Hard at surviving, like it was not easy to manage what i managed today.

this is fairly annoying because this time last year minus one month (stop me if you've heard this before) i was working 50 hours a week and going to school full-time, with a semester full of graduate-level seminars and somehow i managed that! and i wonder where all my willpower went and then i remember that i was a living wreck back then and on insanely high dosages of medication and got drunk and cried every 48 hours at least. so maybe i've never actually been that functional. my best has never been that good, but i've made do and i'll make do until i can't anymore. how's that for positivity? 

i was going a little brittle this summer and now i am? less brittle. i am more chaotic and more like myself at 19, 20, etc. this doesn't have to be a bad thing. i am having extremes of good feelings too, and bursts of affection, and tonight i get to sing along to taylor swift alone in my room and write and try to be a Real Person who doesn't fall into despair over everything.

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