(no subject)

wow another rough week. i'm back up to the highest possible dosage of my antidepressants and if there isn't a drastic change in the next 2 weeks, it's back on the medication merry-go-round to find something that works better. i've been working on cutting down the amount of alcohol/weed/xanax i consume daily and my psych's reaction was basically "this is not the time for that; as long as you aren't getting shitfaced every night and are functional, continue doing things that make you happy." that is difficult for me. i like Plans and Rules and Long Lists of Potential Solutions... so just sitting around and waiting for pills to work is excruciating. and of course the lingering terror that all my earlier depressive episodes weren't from immaturity or lack of proper medical treatment-- that this really is a lifelong condition that i will always have to struggle to get a handle on.

it's not all been bad though, so here's a list of Good Things:

• it's friday and tonight i am going to make mushroom tomato sauce and spaghetti.
• tomorrow i'm seeing das rheingold which i have wanted to see since i was little and would listen to it with my dad on long car trips, with him narrating the action. i have a lot of emotional baggage tied to these silly operas and i am very excited.
• my mom calls me every single evening to check up on me and ordered me about a million cans of tomatoes and anchovies and la croix and! i am so grateful for her love and consideration. 
• my friends are so unbelievably kind to me.
• my cat wakes me up every morning by taking a nap on my chest.
• i splurged on the fenty beauty foundation and concealer a few weeks ago and it is lifechangingly good. i feel really good about my skin for the first time in a while (goodbye stress induced adult acne). 
• idk, i am trying so hard to cultivate little pleasures. a highball after work, or walking to laudree for a single chocolate macaron, or playing the sims until i lose feeling in my butt. those are all Good Things even if they are small or the joy from them fades quickly. 
• i am trying at least.