(no subject)

 i'm taking a ~mental health day~ except i'm doing a fair amount of work from home so? it's something. it's certainly something. mostly i have slept which is Bad, but i'm gonna get up and catch up on things i've been putting off bc Depression.

my goals are, besides aforementioned workwork, to:

• throw my sheets and blankets in the laundry and then PUT. THEM. BACK. ON. MY. BED. why is that so hard for me
• do a load(s) of regular laundry esp. towels (and the area rug that's been languishing in front of the washing machine for ages)
• throw out any food that's gotten gross and do a load of dishes
• swiffer and vacuum the living room/kitchen area
• change the kitty litter
• run a bath and see if the drain is still clogged; if so, repeat snaking and draino until you can shower without standing in 5 feet of dirt water
• buy w33d even though i feels awkward af to ask for it and you're worried that everyone's judging how fast you go through it. it's been a rough fucking month and fuck them, this is an exchange of goods and services
• water my plants
• buy something nice for roommate #1 to apologize for being a slob
• idk try to make my home livable 

and, if i have time, i'd LIKE to write 1000+ words of Enjolras In A Dress, Part 2. we shall see.

(no subject)

well, of everything i wanted to accomplish i uh... did the work i needed to do and cried a bit because it is Very Stressful and i am useless under any sort of pressure. i also showered and changed into clean clothing! so i'm choosing to view today as a success. i have all weekend to do chores and i am Working Hard at surviving, like it was not easy to manage what i managed today.

this is fairly annoying because this time last year minus one month (stop me if you've heard this before) i was working 50 hours a week and going to school full-time, with a semester full of graduate-level seminars and somehow i managed that! and i wonder where all my willpower went and then i remember that i was a living wreck back then and on insanely high dosages of medication and got drunk and cried every 48 hours at least. so maybe i've never actually been that functional. my best has never been that good, but i've made do and i'll make do until i can't anymore. how's that for positivity? 

i was going a little brittle this summer and now i am? less brittle. i am more chaotic and more like myself at 19, 20, etc. this doesn't have to be a bad thing. i am having extremes of good feelings too, and bursts of affection, and tonight i get to sing along to taylor swift alone in my room and write and try to be a Real Person who doesn't fall into despair over everything.

Gayest Taylor Swift Songs, In No Particular Order

holy ground

 ex. Tonight I’m gonna dance for all that we’ve been through
But I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you
Tonight I’m gonna dance like you were in this room
But I don’t wanna dance if I’m not dancing with you

 

delicate

ex. Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you're in my head?
'Cause I know that it's delicate (delicate)

state of grace

ex. So you were never a saint
And I’ve loved in shades of wrong
We learn to live with the pain
Mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild

 

 ours

ex. Seems like there's always

Someone who disapproves,
They'll judge it like they know about me and you,
And the verdict comes from those with nothing else to do,
The jury's out,
And my choice is you.

dress

ex. Say my name and everything just stops
I don’t want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off (ha, ha, ha)
Carve your name into my bedpost
'Cause I don't want you like a best friend
Only bought this dress so you could take it off
Take it off (ha, ha, ha, ha)